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Divorce?

It happened in this order: Booze, Divorce, Drugs.

I went through a painful divorce.  My booze was not the only factor but it was a big factor.  There were situations I could not handle.  My world felt like it was coming to an end.   I did not know if I could go on living… or how I would. 

I loved my wife.  I loved my kids.  I was about to lose them… to another man.  That is no small thing.  Nations have waged war against each other over less.

Pain so intense, the only reprieve was telling myself that if it gets any worse, I will end my own life.  Yet I could not do that to my kids and family.  So I was left in a living hell.  Too hurt to live but too affraid to die.  Hell on earth.

Glad to say that was now a few years ago.  A lot of water went under the bridge.  Lots of adventures and misadventures.  Things are a lot different today.  I am remarried.  Very happily.  It took a lot of healing and a lot of work to arrive at this place.  I am of the understanding that some never do.  So I accept it as a gift of recovery.

All the pain and confusion of divorce or whatever calamity in our lives can serve a benefit to us.  The old saying that “What doesnt kill us makes us stronger” is so amazingly true.

16 comments

  1. Chaz,

    I have been following your sitch on the DB web site. I found your posts very thought provoking. I have posted a topic (Robert “Mutt” Lange “Trades In” Shania Twain) which may be of interest to you on my blog at http://longdukdong.spaces.live.com/ Please feel free to stop by and share your thoughts.

    Take Care,

    Ricardo


  2. Chaz,

    I am just checking to see how things are going with you and your family. I pray all is well.

    Take Care,

    Ricardo


  3. Ricardo… check your email if you havent already…. I got kicked from DB.


  4. I re-read my opening post above. Whew…. sorry for that. That was an account of how I felt when the drugs and booze began. Today is different. A lot different.

    Today I am happily remarried and looking at life with hopefullness and gratitude.

    Divorce sucks. Big time. I am still living in the aftermath and complexity of it all. Yet…. YET… I am surviving and thriving. It is possible and it is awesome! I went from depressed and suicidal to happy, joyous and free. And remarried to an awesome, amazing lady.

    Life is good. There is hope for surviving a divorce. Even when betrayal is involved.


  5. I followed the link, and I’m glad to see you’ve come so far.

    Impressive.

    And you’re trying to help others, which is the only way to go.

    Thanks for your efforts.

    Shaun


  6. Hi Chaz,

    I think you have overcome two of the toughest blows to man – losing the woman you truly love and beating an addiction.

    I bet your character has become much more refined than it once was. I am very happy for your progress.

    Thank you for serving as an inspiration to others as well!


  7. David… all I can say is that I am thankful. Why I was given the chance to make it through while most others never do, is beyond me.

    As for character, well “what doesnt kill you makes you stronger”, comes to mind. I simply hope that would be the case. To go through such things and be given a second chance is something to be grateful enough for to want to make something of the journey. For my own benefit and for the benefit of others.

    Ciao. Chaz


  8. Hey…. some good dialogue with Shaun on being a “left behind” at…..

    http://www.divorceconversation.wordpress.com/2008/11/25/the-worst-divorce/


  9. Ya know… Divorce it the gift that keeps on giving. And taking actually. But hey… I am trying to focus on positive.

    So Christmas is coming up. What more complicated time in life than for families that are broken apart? Fortunately, my new marriage is wonderful and we make the best of it.

    It is still complicated and the grounds for much misunderstanding and hurt. Ex-spouses who refuse to communicate and collaborate are painful. Not only for the other ex-spouse, but particularly for the kids.

    Man… no wonder few cultures have endorsed divorce throughout history. No wonder ancient texts like the Bible, the Koran, and the Talmud speak firmly against it. I believe man was designed to be a monogomous creature.

    The pain of divorce and ongoing complications are evidence of this.

    Anyway… just for today, it sucks, but it will get better.

    Ciao. Chaz


  10. Chaz,

    I wanted to check in with you. How are you? How is the family? How is the new wife?

    Things really seem to be settling down with me and my new wife. I am enjoying every moment with her. She is truly a blessing. Back in late 2006, I doubted I would ever get back to this “place” with a woman. By the grace of God, I am.

    I am now in a place where I am ready to embark on a new business journey. I really feel God guiding my path. It is totally awesome! It is what I believe is the “next step” in my field (Software Development). It has great potential if built and marketed correctly. We will have to see what God has in store.

    Take Care,

    Ricardo


  11. Ya Ricardo…. all good.

    New marriage is fabulous. Like you, I too never thought the day would emerge when heavy feelings of the past would let go and I would be this happy and excited.

    My new wife is awesome! Kids are doing great too. Will hit you on the email.

    Good to hear from you. Glad to hear you doing well.

    Ciao.

    Chaz


  12. I’m currently going through a struggle with my marriage. My wife had left me back in February/March 2009 for another man. This was her second affair. She came back to me in July, but I had a lot of hurt feelings towards her. After being back for three weeks, she continued her affair with the same man for about a month before letting me know what she had been doing.

    I was devastated and I haven’t been taking things very well. She goes to work in the afternoon, and doesn’t come home until the next morning since she goes out to the bar/club with her “new” friends immediately after she is done with work. She is starting to drink more even though she had a drinking problem in the past.

    It is hard to control my anger and my anger has ruined my last chance with her and now she doesn’t know if she wants to be with me or not.

    I have been making foolish financial decisions and it almost appears like I may be homeless by the end of the month. Things aren’t looking good.

    In spite of all things, I now that I need to press on with the help of God. Your story is encouraging as I am pressing on through my own present trial.


  13. Hey Chris…

    Glad you stopped by.

    Ya, divorce sucks. But we can get through it if that is indeed what is happening.

    Sounds like your wife has some pretty big issues she may be avoiding dealing with by running around. Especially if she had a history of alcohol abuse in past.

    I have found that we simply cannot control another person’s behaviours. We must focus on what we can control which is our own feelings and behaviours.

    We can control how we react to the situations we find ouselves in… to some degree anyway. I know for me, I made bad things worse.

    Now, I make bad things less painful by dealing with them in new and productive ways. This does not take away the pain. It will never not hurt when someone cheats on us. But we can reduce its impact by processing things better.

    My friend… my suggestion is to focus on yourself. Be the best “you” you can be. This way, no matter if she stays or goes, you win. YOu end up a better Chris.

    This will also give you the best chance that she will change her mind and realize she is giving up something good. Keep in mind that most people do not endeavor to change significantly throughout their lives. If you do, you will be a rare find. And that ultimately is attractive to the opposite gender… including our spouses.

    Also…. guard your expecations. Nobody can predict what your wife will do. You can influence it, but you cant predict or control it.

    Anyway… stay strong, pop by any time.

    Ciao.,

    chaz


  14. Chris,

    I am sorry to see you are at this place. I think our friend Chaz has given you some very solid advice.

    I am personally a follower of Christ. Given that, I believe marriage is a sacred covenant. So, I do not believe in blazing off because you are “unhappy.” But, your wife has obviously broken her marriage covenant. That puts the ball in your court.

    The most helpful comment was made by someone on the DB board. They wrote, “If you met your wife today and she told you all about what she did in her marriage, would you even consider dating her?” Putting your feelings aside (which is VERY HARD), how would you answer that?

    My concern for you is this woman has obvious issues. I would hate to see you life traumatized by her over and over.

    My advice for you would be to move on, eventually find a woman of integrity and have a good life. I know how hard that is to see in your situation. I was right there where you stand now. I was heartbroken. I did not want to hear that. But, that is what I needed to hear.

    I pray God gives you peace and wisdom.

    Take Care,

    Ricardo


  15. What are some sure fire ways to get ex-boyfriend back when they just broke up with you recently..


    • Hi My Ex…. Nothing is sure-fire when others are involved. We cannot control other people. If history has proven anything, it has proven this.

      What you can do is make you a better you. This may sound trite and insignificant in light of pain you may be feeling at the moment. It was for me when I was hurting. Yet fast-forward a number of hears and I am happy I did focus on improving and strengthening myself.

      In fact, I don’t even regret the loss anymore. I have someone far more wonderful and the best part of it is that I am free to be the kind of person to be able to enjoy life enough to be with her.

      In spite of anything your ex did wrong to hurt you or the relationship, the best return you can receive for your energies is investing in you.

      For me, I had to learn to become the kind of person who could live with pain and injustice and still function. This is now an awesome way to live!

      You could be on the brink of the most amazing opportunity of your life. The opportunity to become someone you have never been so far! A stronger, wiser person than the person who needs the person that you ex is.

      And none of this means you won’t get your ex back. It just means that no matter whether you do or dont, life can be great for you!

      This may not have been what you were expecting to hear, but it is the absolute truth as I have experienced it!

      Ciao.

      Chaz



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