How to control everyone

January 19, 2010

Is controlling others not the most prevalent obsession in our world today? And has it not always been?

Tyranny and coercion are the easy control strategies to spot.  What about manipulation? What about false “kindness”? What about silence? What about avoidance? Or projecting “patheticness”? Or suggestion?

Why do we seek to control?  I believe one reason is so we can feel safe.  If others are doing our bidding, or conforming to what we want them to say, do, or be, are we not then buffered to some degree from whatever threatens us?

If we get them to believe what we believe, does it not help us avoid having to question our own beliefs? Do we create a matrix that we can just plug into?  Instead of being free-thinking and continue to re-test and re-validate or adapt our beliefs in a changing and growing world? 

Does this not describe many cultural groups such as corporations, religious groups, political parties, and many 12-Step groups?  Does this not also describe many nationality groups, marriages and families?

Do all such groups not tend to develop their pet theories, seek to gather support for those theories, then lock into and defend those theories by antagonizing new ideas?

Do many such groups not tend to proselytize and build support, then insulate by creating an “us and them culture”?  Then act surprised when others use the descriptor, “cult”?  Even if it is an overstatement of our insular behaviour?

Is it not human nature to want to control others so we feel secure and are spared the effort of thought and change?

It is tougher to be open-minded than it is to continually think and grow.  I’ve tried it both ways.  Open-minded is tougher.  It is easier to want to control people, places, and circumstances.  For me anyway.  And seemingly for much of the rest of humanity.





  1. Chaz,

    Silence is a huge problem. When it is used against a spouse, it can hit just as hard as a fist leaving your spouse feeling emotionally distraught and hurt. I have experienced this in the past and to be honest, I would rather a person tell me exactly how they feel, why they feel that way and even if that means I have to hear what I don’t want to hear, at least it’s the beginning of communication. Using the silent treatment tactic as a tool to get your way or just to hurt your spouse is a great way toward ending a marriage.

    Love your writings,

    • Hey Di….

      Sadly, I had been a practitioner of silence. Somehow, I knew that if I went silent, the other party in the relationship would come to me and try to re-engage. So now I held the cards. I was in control.

      Isn’t that twisted? Yet probably very common. This is one thing I contributed to the demise of my first marriage. Something I regret and hope one day to make and amend for to my now ex.

      Regardless of anything she did wrong, I must take responsibility for my actions. I can see now how hurtful that was. Am glad to say that I no longer do this.

      Thank God life got painful enough for me to stop blaming everyone else and start looking at what I was creating in my life by my actions…. such as this behaviour.

      Yet we learn by experience, trial, and error.

      Today is a better day. I feel blessed to have learned and grown. The journey continues.



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