Drugs?
I am a cocaine addict.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could use, let alone become addicted. But one night… wrong time… wrong place… wrong emotional state… wrong company… wrong blood-alcohol level… and an attitude of invincibility and desperation… I “tried it out”.
After that one time, any time I was sad or mad, all that came to mind was the euphoria of the moment the coke hit my system after lighting up. Within a few times I was hooked. Within a few months, my life was completely out of control. My family did an intervention. I went to treatment. Got clean. Relapsed. Suffered. Got desperate enough to find out what it really took for me to get clean and sober and stay clean and sober.
That was a few years ago. I am still clean and sober. There is hope. There are ways.
Chaz' journey back. 
Chaz,
From our first few communications through wordpress,you have already shared things I needed to make myself aware of, and your feedback has been so greatly appreciated! I took the liberty of adding your blogsite to my blogroll. What you write is worth reading by the many who are lost, alone, or afraid and trying to get on the right path. Thank you so much for sharing your life in such an open and honest way.
Mark
Ya… no problem Mark. Link away. I am freely passing around what was freely passed to me. Glad it has had some meaning to you. Will continue to dialogue bro. Fire me a message any time.
Ciao. Chaz
Chaz,
I saw you on old TV EXplorer’s Latino lover parade of lust, and thought I’d check your blog out.
I saw AA in your blog as I honesty skimmed down, and it reminded me of a great friend. I saw a light in his eyes like I was seeing God. He’s in AA and a MD and almost 85 with a million health problems, he doesn’t have much longer…but I saw light, it was amazing. Provided me with faith or something to run after.
My dad’s been in AA for years. I started when I was 13–what did I know then? I’ve been in and out, but congrats on staying sober, that’s huge, as if you didn’t already know!
Thanks for your honesty too.
I wish you were a bella, ciao! 🙂
Mea Nada Madison
Thanks Nada….
Have read some of your posts on TV Exp’s blog. Sounds like you are on quite a journey. I appreciate your honesty as well and can relate to the emotions you speak of.
It is amazing what life throws our way. And the journey through stuff is what I have found makes life interesting and from these things we grow. Even if painful.
See you on the blogs.
Ciao.
Chaz
So – I remember the night I used crystal Meth for the first time .. It seems as though as it was yesterday .. I remember exactly the smell the foggy east bay area air .. I remember when it hit me .. how ” I had arrived ” Sad .. it’s now been over thirty years that I’ve struggled .. today I have just under one month under my belt .. Will the madness ever end ?? Why am I going through this ?? what is the purpose?? I am sad to say I feel I am the guy “who wants to want to quit ” I only pray to be able to stay c-n-s long enough to really internally WANT to stay clean .. torn between two worlds ..
Mark La Pointe SLC Ut
There is an amazing “awakening” of you mind, body, soul, & spirit, when detox is complete and the drugs are gone from your body. The moment is total clarity without the restraints of confusion. The struggle is not about a “disease”(?)…the struggle is about overcoming the need to “numb” the feelings…numb the memories…numb the pain of those things that devestated you in your life. Once you get past the reasons why you needed to supress all of these human feelings & pray them up to our Holy God, the desire to use vanishes. It’s about transformation by giving God those things which we are unable to ‘carry’. God bless you on your journey to end your addiction. My prayers are with you.
Mark, rough place to be.
Even between the two worlds, the drugs and everything that goes with them bring us pain.
The only consistent peace is being clean and recovering.
To put it to a simple question… how badly to you want to stop the pain of what you are feeling right now?
As long as your drug is in your life in any measure, the pain will continue. My pain of this unbearable type ended. This is one of the things that helps me stay clean.
This sentance is spoken so often, it seems cliche. “My worst day clean and recovering is better than my best day while still out there”.
We may feel good when we are using, but we know it wont last and the hell of coming down awaits us. I had enough of that. It is bs. Agony.
Nothing in recovery ever felt as bad as the feelings while using. Nothing is as torturous, painful, confusing. Nothing.
This is the softer, easier way.
Does that not sound worth cleaning up to get? Cleaning up only is not good enough. We need to recover too. Otherwise, we are just clean and in agony of our insanity and self-consumption.
If this were not true, you probably wouldnt be looking for answers.
Ciao.
Chaz