Some of the most impacting pieces of wisdom I have picked up over the years have shown up this way. Which is why I do my best not to out-think circumstances or jump to conclusions too fast about what I will or wont learn in any given situation. We just never know.

To me, getting unduly caught up in the past is flawed thinking. Likewise is ignoring it or running from it. These are opposite ends of the “flawed thinking about the past” spectrum. Denial at one end, fixation at the other.

The past does have an impact on where and who we are today. It simply should not be the only determining factor on where we are going.

Which is why, I believe, the 12 steps suggest we deal with our part in our past by doing inventory, admitting wrongs and rights, and making amends to the best of our ability.

This way, we are closing out the past with honour and as much justice as possible. We are doing our best to rebalance the imbalances we created so we are free to move forward healthier than what we were yesterday.

So once given our best effort, we move forward. If there is something that we have not addressed, we simply hope that as “we continue to take personal inventory”, and “improve our conscious contact with God as we understand him”, any unresolved issues will eventually come to light at the right time and we deal with them at that time.

But until that time comes, today is our priority. And todays stack up and build a tomorrow for us. Thus the observation by Don Draper that life is moving forward if we close out the past.

(Yet the Don Draper character is not a glowing example of having closed out his past. He seems mainly to hide from it, ignore it, and run from it).

I like to think most of us are striving for a healthier version of this principle.

Ciao

Chaz

Glad the accounts of my journey mean something on yours.

The accusations our own minds make against us over and over for stuff that we did can be agonizing. Fortunately, we can move past it. My experience is that this happens slowly and progressively. But the freedom it brings is amazing.

On other thing that comes to mind… you mentioned your wife is church-going? Now I dont mean to single her out here… nor any Christian. I simply wish to demonstrate that there is support for the notion of moving on from past wrongs.

You know tha account of the woman about to be stoned to death for being caught in adultery? And Jesus shows up just before it is all about to start? And what does he say? “He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone”. And they all put their stones down and walked away, right?

Often overlooked is what he said next. (Paraphrased)…”Woman, where are your accusers”? To which she replies “they are gone”. And then the key to this whole thing…. Jesus replies, “Neither do I accuse you, go and sin no more”.

So help me out here… is this not saying, “Change and leave the past behind”? And that even God doesnt accuse us of our past? Moving forward is nothing new. The above quote is from thousands of years ago.

So why do we let accusing voices in our heads beat us up? To me, it is just a bad habit of flawed thinking. We can change ths habit over time on our journey of growth and recovery…. from whatever past we have had.

Ciao.

Chaz

Hope you’re doing well.

Ya, those days were something else werent they? The overwhelming anxiety is what I remember. Then, occasionally, for some unknown reason, it would fade for a short period and I would get hopeful that I finally turned a corner. Then it would return. And down and dark I went. This is the roller-coaster as I experienced it.

So glad to say that the ups and down diminished over time. Time and effort in reworking my thinking patterns were the keys for me. And the result was a lessening of the pain and cycles.

And eventually… today… the hell-period is a fading memory. And in some cases, I can even laugh at how I was and how ridiculous things were and still are.

I swear, there is enough material for a sit-com in my experience with betrayal and loss. The way I acted, the way others acted.

So glad to make it to a point where I could be happy in today. Today is a day that everyone said would arrive but I never really believed them.

I hope others who feel as hopeless and out of control as I did can gain some small amount of hope that one day, their situation will get better too. of this I am convinced.

Ciao.

Chaz

I am just speaking from personal experience and observation. I do not see that we are equipped as a species to have our spouses engage with others in intimacy whether emotional or physical. I do not see or know of where or when this was a successful practice other than in isolated cases.

We appear to be prone to singleness, uniqueness, envy, and protectiveness at pretty fundamental levels. And this appears to be consistent accross cultures and throughout history.

I have on the other hand seen lifelong commited couples build strong and supremely satisfying relationships for a lifetime.

I believe it can happen. We have to design it and work for it.

Ciao.

Chaz

“I honestly do not think we as a species was ever cut out for it.”

I don’t think we’re cut out for lifetime sexual monogamy. I don’t think it’s natural or healthy.

“I still think most people want one-ness and exclusivity.”

I agree
I just don’t like the reasons for it.

Man… so many of us never even had to leave the freakin house to go on a wild ride.

It just seems to happen when we get ambushed by some major life event like a betrayal, loss, injury, whatever.

People always talked about it and I never could understand what it really was they were saying… and why they couldnt just “chill out” or “get a grip”.

Yet when we go through emotional trauma… it is like an emotional concussion… we dont think straight, we dont see straight, and we can be all over the map. Not unlike getting knocked in the head physically… just this is on the emotional level.

Thanks for contributing to the dialogue. More to come.

Ciao.

Chaz

I know lots of people who engage in serial monogamy and not one that I can think of has ever engaged happily in mulitiple partner relationships.

Not say it doesnt happen. I just dont see it in any of my experiences. I still think most people want one-ness and exclusivity.

Its just that we can suck at it in our current cutlural environments. So much so that the mis-fire marriage seems to be more the norm before having one that functions.

My experience and observation anyway.

Thanks for the reply.

Ciao.

Chaz