The Big Book is not a Bible. Bill and Bob never asked us to worship AA.

I gotta tell ya…. I just don’t get where it was ever intended or suggested that the Big Book of AA should ever be considered a Bible or any sort of holy text.

And in all I have read and experienced in AA, I have never got even the slightest impression from the founders or the organization that the program of AA should be worshipped.

Yet I continually hear and read individuals quoting the Big Book as if it were infallible scripture and deifying the 12 steps and practices of AA.  I also hear and read opponents of AA and 12 step making ridiculous claims about the hidden agenda of the founders of AA.

To me, the Big Book is nothing more nor less than a collection of valuable observations, experiences, and suggestions of a bunch of now-sober alcoholics who found a few practices and way of life that work for them.  These observations and experiences include many self-admitted mistakes in attempts to get sober and help others do the same.  So the notion of the infalibility of the Big Book makes no sense to me.

Similarly, AA encourages us to engage the practices of our faith and to recognize where “religious” people are right.  So I remain unclear and unconvinced as to how this could all be a conspiracy.

Bill W declined many opportunities for personal gain, publicity, awards and accolades.  This is considerably different than many religious leaders of a variety of faiths.  How many religious leaders build huge empires only to become corrupt by their fame, power and wealth.  Yet people of these same faiths criticize AA and its founders.  Many religious leaders could learn a lot from some of what Bill W practiced in limiting temptations of money, property, and prestige.  Maybe he was just wise enough to know that these things corrupt people and their purposes.

To me this all seems like a tempest in a tea pot stirred up by people who are threatened by the effectiveness of AA.  newsflash…. it works for many of us.  Millions in fact. Get over it!  Why not thank God for it?

AA is not, and never was proposed as competition for religious faith.  If anything, AA told us to go back to our faith and beliefs.

There will always be fanatics who take anything worthwhile to an extreme.  Thats why many football fans paint their faces, dawn jerseys, and act like a bunch of morons over whether their team wins or not.

Today, I am clean and sober.  And I have been for years.  A day at a time.  And today, I believe more in God and the Bible than I ever did.  AA just helped me get/stay sober long enough to stay alive so I could believe and serve God again.

Ciao.

Chaz

A great divorce/breakup song…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yb_juTPQJUc

Adds a humourous twist for those who are fed up with the whole thing.

How to control everyone

Is controlling others not the most prevalent obsession in our world today? And has it not always been?

Tyranny and coercion are the easy control strategies to spot.  What about manipulation? What about false “kindness”? What about silence? What about avoidance? Or projecting “patheticness”? Or suggestion?

Why do we seek to control?  I believe one reason is so we can feel safe.  If others are doing our bidding, or conforming to what we want them to say, do, or be, are we not then buffered to some degree from whatever threatens us?

If we get them to believe what we believe, does it not help us avoid having to question our own beliefs? Do we create a matrix that we can just plug into?  Instead of being free-thinking and continue to re-test and re-validate or adapt our beliefs in a changing and growing world? 

Does this not describe many cultural groups such as corporations, religious groups, political parties, and many 12-Step groups?  Does this not also describe many nationality groups, marriages and families?

Do all such groups not tend to develop their pet theories, seek to gather support for those theories, then lock into and defend those theories by antagonizing new ideas?

Do many such groups not tend to proselytize and build support, then insulate by creating an “us and them culture”?  Then act surprised when others use the descriptor, “cult”?  Even if it is an overstatement of our insular behaviour?

Is it not human nature to want to control others so we feel secure and are spared the effort of thought and change?

It is tougher to be open-minded than it is to continually think and grow.  I’ve tried it both ways.  Open-minded is tougher.  It is easier to want to control people, places, and circumstances.  For me anyway.  And seemingly for much of the rest of humanity.

Ciao

Chaz

What chance do you give this one?

I met a newly-married couple today.  They left me pondering… “how long will this last”?

 

What first jumped out at me was the degree to which the husband seemed to control the dialogue and relationship.  My meeting with them was in a professional setting.  I was conducting a significant business transaction with them.  There were important decisions to be made on which it is my role to provide guidance.

 

The wife was late 20’s and somewhat naive about the whole thing.  The husband was mid-30’s and had what I experience as “just enough knowledge to be dangerous”.  Kind of a know-it-all who had to show how much he knew, which frankly wasn’t much.  He argued a particular point with me that I know based on years in my profession and have first-hand experience verifying he was not correct.  I did not want to be argumentative and did not want to embarrass him or make him defensive so I just conceded that perhaps he knew something I didn’t and let it go.

 

The next thing to stand out was that the husband came from affluence and the wife from more average means.  They live in a home he owns and pays for in a very expensive part of town.  Comments he made suggested family money.

 

And the third kicker that jumped out at me significantly… she appeared far more “eligible” than he did.  In layman’s terms… she was quite attractive, he was a bit of a dork.

 

So the question bounces around in my head…

 

“In today’s marriage climate, how much tolerance is there in a marriage for…

• conversational controlling behaviour?
• financial dependency/control/mismatch?
• significant “eligibility” mismatch?”

They simply struck me as a couple who would leave anyone scratching their head.

 

In today’s world of easy-out marriages and relationships, I so often wonder if some of these fairly typical but painful dynamics of a relationship that would have been tolerated in generations past, will end up being deal busters (or silent killers) of today’s marriages/relationships.

 

Lets be honest, how much resistance would anyone face in todays relationship culture for leaving a marriage because their spouse was controlling, financially superior, or just plain unappealing?

 

I am not speaking of what should or shouldn’t be.  Nor of what is fair or unfair, moral or immoral.  I am simply speaking of what seems to be the case in the here and now.

 

Silent Killers

Gas Leak - Silent Killer

My wife and I were discussing some of the silent relationship killers that we have observed recently.

The big things are easy to spot…. abuse, infidelity, raging, name-calling, etc.  Those are no-brainers.  Any relationship would be endangered where these are present and it would be obvious.

But what about the silent killers?  Things such as, but not limited to…

• Silence
• Blame
• Taking for granted
• Mild, repeated criticisms
• Indifference
• Guilting
• Oblivion
• Letting attractiveness go
• Over-talking
• Cutting sarcasm
• Subtle control
• Intolerance
• Others

Do things like this not sneak in under the radar and lodge themselves into our relationships and slowly kill them?  Or at very least make them perpetually painful?

Do these not become well-rehearsed habits of behaviour that get woven into our patterns of interaction and tangle themselves to intricately that we don’t see them until years of damage is done?

How do we prevent these from happening?

In my experience, it starts with an awareness that these kinds of things can sneak in on anyone’s relationship.  I am not just talking marriage.  I am talking siblings, parenting, friendships, workplace, etc.

Next, I believe a good dose of humility and some brutally honest feedback can help a great deal.

In my experience, it is not a matter of IF some silent killers will try to make their way in, it is WHEN. 

Forewarned is forearmed.  Silent killers helped destroy my last marriage.  My wife’s too.  We are taking every precaution to remain aware this time around.

Ciao.

Chaz

Chaz wishing you a cool Yule!

Canadian Parliament Building at Christmas

 

 Wishing all my blog buddies a great Christmas or whatever you celebrate this time of year.

Glad to be clean, sober, happy, warm, fed, loved, sane, serene, forgiven and recovering.  What more could anyone ask for?

Gratefully,

Chaz

Why do we sing about love and loss?

Why are two of the predominant themes of modern music love and loss?

This song has been running through my head.  Lyrics below, vid link below.

Its about a man who knows he is not relationship material and warns against getting involved with him.  Although not exactly relevant to my situation, many of the truths and experiences I am familiar with are woven through.

It is haunting.  I have been on both ends of the lyrics.

Better as a Memory.  By Kenny Chesney.

I move on like a sinners prayer
I let go like a levee breaks
Walk away as if I don’t care
Learn to shoulder my mistakes
I’m built to fade like your favorite song
Gettin’ reckless when there’s no need
Laugh as your stories ramble on
Break my heart, but it won’t bleed
My only friends are pirates
That’s just who I am
But I’m better as a memory than as your man

Never sure when the truth won’t do
I’m pretty good on a lonely night
I move on the way a storm blows through
And never stay, but then again, I might.
I struggle sometimes to find the words
Always sure until I doubt
Walk a line until it blurs
Buildin’ walls too high to climb out
But I’m honest to a fault
That’s just who I am
I’m better as a memory than as your man

I see you leaning, you’re bound to fall
I don’t want to be that mistake
I’m just a dreamer and nothing more
You should know it before it gets too late

Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they’re gonna land
First you’re spinning, then you’re standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you’re gonna find someone
And right away you’ll know it’s true
That all of your seekin’s done
It’s just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment
You’ll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDYTBEEVlLE

What lies beneath?

No matter how thorough and vigilant we are in any recovery efforts, only time will reveal what really lies beneath our conscious awareness.

I experienced a shocking reaction to a circumstance in my life this week.  My wife is launching a new phase to her business and I have been very involved.  My income is earned separate of her company.  I have however taken on a lot of responsibilities in marketing and administration on a non-paid basis.  I’m doing what I believe a good spouse would do.  With no expectation of return.  No conscious expectation anyway.

Last night, I found myself reacting in some anger and resentment for what felt like a lack of acknowledgment from my wife for all the work I had been doing.  Funny thing was that she is very acknowledging and grateful and expresses it continually.  So why the disconnect?

Upon reflection, I came to realize that I still had some hurts and resentments deep below the surface of my conscious awareness from my marriage.  I had helped my first wife with her business in a similar way and had helped make it a tremendous success.  And in this case, she was extremely sparing with the gratitude and even more sparing with any verbal acknowledgment for my contribution.

It has been years since my divorce and I had all but forgotten about the pain of this particular disappointment in my first marriage.  Yet here it was triggered years later in a way I never saw coming.  In a way that wasn’t even justified.  And when the anger rose, I couldnt at that moment even see why I was angry and resentful.

How many other things lay beneath?  Surely the steps, dialogue with other alcoholics, counseling, and just life will bring some things up.  But certainly it wont happen on our timeline.  I think it is short-sighted of some 12 step proponents to suggest we will.  It will be a lifetime of discovery and we may from time to time get ambushed from within with feelings we don’t see coming.

Thankfully, we have some place to go with them.  To our comrades in arms, to our program of recovery… whatever that may be, and to God as we understand Him.

Ciao.

Chaz

…one direction… forward.

My favourite Don Draper quote from TV Series, ‘Mad Men’….

  “My life moves in only one direction…  forward”.

Don Draper is a man with a past he is leaving behind.  The character has a past secret life that he would just as soon forget.  He has entered a world he finds more befitting of his tastes, preferences, and capabilities.  A far cry from being an orphaned farm kid from who knows where.

My motives for adopting this motto are different from Don’s.  I have discovered that once reasonably dealt with, the past belongs right where it is… in the past.

There is an important difference between running from one’s past and leaving one’s past behind.  Running tends to be fear or shame motivated.  Leaving tends to be acceptance motivated.

I will never forget the period of my recovery where I began to gain a healthy acceptance of the past.  The regrets, the shame, the costs, the pain, the resentments, the humiliation.  I used to hide from it.  I used to flinch over it.  Until I heard enough fellow journeyers on the pathway of recovery share how they made the same mistakes.  Felt the same regrets.  Hurt others the same way I did.  Wasted time and money.

Then, as my ears and eyes began to open, I came to realize that it wasn’t just us alcoholics and addicts who made huge mistakes and felt pain and regret about the past.   I came to observe and conclude that this is pretty much ‘just life’.  And having done dumb shit is pretty universal.  Not the exclusive domain of alcoholics and addicts.

In fact, I eventually turned a corner and began to see that much of my dumb shit was done after having surrendered myself to mood-altering substances and practiced to perfection self-centred alcohilic thinking habits. 

So if we were to compare regrets, who would have the bigger regret?  The person who did dumb and hurtful stuff while intoxicated?  Or the person who did similar things without impaired judgement of intoxicants?

Don’t get me wrong… dumb is dumb, harm is harm, and pain is pain.  I am not trying to rank anyone’s behaviour.  I am simply saying that my perspective flip-flopped from being one of deep regret and pain, to one of relief and acceptance that I really wasn’t any worse than many “normal” people.

I rarely flinch anymore when I recall the past.  In fact, much of the past, I don’t actively recall anymore.  Why would I if it has been dealt with, amends made, and issues closed?  Time is precious and yields a better return when it is focused on today.  And good todays give the best chance of good tomorrows.

I have stopped wasting my time and energy ruminating over closed issues.  Instead, I invest my time in today.

I’m with Don.  My life moves in only one direction… forward.

Ciao.

Chaz

Reminded of the emotional rollercoaster

 Remember the pain and utter disorientation when you found out about the betrayal?  Remember forgetting that it was actually real, feeling content for a moment, then realizing it was indeed real and feeling the pain over again?

Remember repeating this cycle over and over and over?  Remember the high highs and low lows?

Remember falling asleep and waking up thinking that maybe your shattered life was just a bad dream… then realizing it wasn’t?

Remember hearing some inspiring input or teaching and then feeling good for a moment?  Thinking there just may be some hope of hanging onto what you were so afraid to lose?  Then only hours or days later, that hope fades and the despair and pain return?

Remember the anger? The fear? The embarrassment?

I do.  Not often anymore though.  Thank God.

But today, years after life turned around significantly, I saw a brief scene in a movie where a young lady had just found out she had been betrayed by her boyfriend who was now sleeping with a friend of hers.  She was hysterical.  A short while later, when the initial sting subsided, she resolved to live the best and happiest single life… just as her mother did.  But the resolve seemed only veneer-thin.  She sounded as if she were trying to convince herself that she was OK.

It so reminded me of the moments of reprieve when the pain and confusion subsided and the clouds felt like they began to break.  I began to think there might be hope.  Sometimes it would last for days.  Then, the clouds would start to move in again.  The sky slowly darkened and depression, pain, and despair moved in again.  “I knew the good feelings and hope wouldn’t last”, I would tell myself.

Unfortunately, for about 2 years, I was right.  The pain came and went.  I was on the rollercoaster.  For the first year, my separated wife did not even commit to whether or not she was going for divorce.  She kept the other man in the shadows.  We all suspected but had little proof.  It was torture.  Today, I momentarily relived this rollercoaster by seeing this scene in the movie.

Today, it seldom happens and if it does, it never lasts.  Today, when the dark clouds move in, I say, “Ok, fine.  But I know that this too will pass so I will just ride it out”.  Today, I re-direct my thoughts to gratitude for what I do have.  Today, I turn over my pain rather than try to fight it by myself.  Today, I get in the company of people who have travelled the journey before me and are willing to walk beside me when the clouds move in.

Man, was I a mess during those days.  My thinking was all wrong.  It led me to fixation with suicide.  So glad I never took a step farther.  So glad I made it through and can now carry the message of survival and recovery to others.

There was a day when I felt there was no future.  Today, I love the present and am hopeful of the future.

These little reminders help me see how far I have come since those dark days not too many years ago.

Gratefully,

Chaz